everything in
it's right place

dear blogger

i feel so screwed up. rather, i am really screwed up. everyone's right. somehow i put on this fake outer layer all the time and feel so obgliged to show that i'm this nice person who does his best, tries to study (at least during the schooling days), but inside it's all upside down.

watched alfie today. which i think was actually a very good movie. but it really pulled my strings, brought up some serious memories. i'm living my life in denial; it's over 2 years but whenever someone says her name i just can't help but think about it. i think this is what happens when you really love someone, or rather loved. and her name was printed all over it. the characters screenwise and in reality were so similar too, not literally but figuratively (you know what i mean). but nowadays we've become so distant and pseudo-friendly; i thought maybe we did recently become friends again but in reality we're nothing but strangers. and that ever since that day i asked her out (purely for the sake of old friends) has she stopped talking to me. and really, i think so hard and wrench my heart for a reason or excuse when really it's staring right at me in the face, that i'm nothing but an obstacle to get over; a defect on an otherwise perfect surface. and i don't deserve to be there. and two years hasn't let me accept that fate yet.

thankfully after the show diana, who is just the nicest friend in the world, gave in and followed me for supper because i was just wandering orchard road aimlessly because i wasn't ready to go home yet. silly i know, but i just wanted some space.

and it led me back to the beginning which is studying overseas. and again i'm telling myself, why did i really have to go there to study? and again i'm fooling myself, that maybe if i really did go to jc it wouldn't have to be this way. and perhaps i'd just be in bmt now, too tired to think about anything else that could clog up my head. yes, it's really stupid to think about the past; to regret life's past; but the words come so easy and yet the actions so hesitant.

there's also this person i like (which denial tells me i don't). but i don't want to think about it. too much thinking will really kill a person.

my spiritual life is also stalling. for the past 2 months it has been quite improved, but nowadays i just read the passage and fall asleep as soon as i'm done. i don't really think about it much; maybe because i'm lazy or that these burdens seem like a mountain next to the rock that's apparently God. i do pray, selfishly at times but they don't seem to be having any effect. right, the bible says that the faithful will be blessed, but i'm only human. help me believe that you're with me, even at those times when it seems like i'm all alone. i'm on my knees, you know.

i think it'll take a miracle to get me to quit smoking. now i feel so retarded, but just now i couldn't think about anything else. i bought a pack and smoked like 8 sticks before i reached home. i haven't smoked for so long (which is supposed to be good) that now my brain's going all mad. i think of something and suddenly it just flashes accelerates through my head and disappears a couple of seconds later. punch me. i should punch myself. it' so stupid, to kill myself this way.

i'm just really confused. about what to do, even when the answers are really staring me in the face. because what's right isn't always what i want. and that's why i'm so screwed up.