the past week's been so crappy. the only thing remotely enjoyable was seeing chris after months of army and busy school agendas.
today's eguit playing was quite bad- i can't really get a feel of these songs. luckily nobody could hear any of it.
went to church with loads of issues on my mind. some small, some big, all affecting. i hate outfield with a passion, and it doesn't help that there's tons to come for the battalion. it's weeks after weeks and when it seems like there's nothing there's always something. saf doesn't pay servicemen for nothing i guess, rather they make every cent worth it for themselves.
i was thinking just now whether to just blow it all off with a pack of ciggs. after a couple of sticks i'd be too slowmo to think of anything like this anyway. but fortunately god's helping in at least that way. self control. but at the same time it's frustrating how i want to believe in something yet don't have the true confidence. and not just 'oh pray read your bible have a purpose driven mind' that's so easy to say but when can one really swear by all of that?
relationships are problematic. people do think feel stupid things. that's how it's like when someone likes someone else. when you just assume things to be the way or not the way you want it to be. or worse when you just don't know how you want it to be. and it hurts. just shoot me.
so many people's relatives and friends (strangers on the road outside camp) have passed away recently. I don't know whether to be happy or sorry for them. as for me, i'm dying too.
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