everything in
it's right place

played eguit for service today. the practice on wednesday was quite a disaster, but fortunately today's pre-service practice was a lottt better. but the service ended up to be quite screwed up too! mainly because i couldn't hear the singer heh.

whatever

just rather distressed/angry/depressed today. there's this girl in my church, whom i shall call bob to protect her identity (because it's fashionable for everybody has to have their privacy nowadays). somehow i always say the most inexplicably stupid and insulting things to her, some of it unintentional. it's just my nature to joke carelessly with friends, even if non of it is remotely funny at all.

however nowadays i'm in the army, and having not gone to a junior college i have no idea what it is to be in a local school like hers. they have a completely different culture, talk a totally different lingo. it's a struggle to even understand what they talk about sometimes, and asking questions just make most of them annoyed. we're worlds apart, you could say.

so i dig up meaningless silly little questions, to try to stir up conversations, because after all bob and i are friends. quite relatively old friends, friends since i was sec3. which means almost 5 years of friendship (if you minus the gaps it only rounds up to one year though!). but with her i transform into a tactless, zero EQ being with only the ability to irritate, annoy or hurt. and i try and try again to make a conversation, because i believe that communication is something important between friends. and important friends all deserve some communication and attention. i also consider bob to be a very important friend.

so now i have come to the conclusion that we just have nothing in common, nothing left to stir up and nothing left to laugh or joke about. our conversations usually end up with unreplyable responses. seeing bob in church just makes me agitated, thinking about the last time i pissed her off which was very recently. i think twice before talking to her, because i don't want to say anything that doesn't sound good (which is why i rarely open my mouth to her). i think a billion times when going out for lunch in whatever group that's with her, and hope to sit as far away as possible from her as to avoid more trouble. i was thinking of changing church because it's just so impossible to learn when you can never concentrate on anything at all.

i think i will just stop trying to understand her, to know what's going on, to know if she's ok, to know if she needs help. stop trying to be good friends, when we're obviously almost not. i was telling my friend about this; he told me that i shouldn't be bothered about people who get insulted so easily. but after all a lot of it is my fault, and some friends are really worth all that trouble for. besides, i don't think he's a good source! (haha sorry :x )

i think it's very sad that my friends end up the way they are. maybe i just feel sad for myself that i perceive them this way, feeling all shit and introverted, so affected from the thought of it all. in a way i really can't wait to go to australia. away from army, from these social things, from all the troubles that follow me.

:'(

well, enough griping! there's a cure to everything. so today while withdrawing money at coronation plaza (i took out $80 but i'll be left with $4 at best tommorow. sigh) i decided to plonk down some dough on the latest issue of guitar one. it has tons and tons of lessons, most of them technical exercises on dexterity. so that i can be a massive guitar shredder one day, then when i try out guitars at shops just for fun people will look at my direction and just stone at my awesomeness. well, something to that effect would be good. keeping it real though, probably not in the next few lifetimes.

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